


Never Have I Ever

by MicheTS



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Brief mention of conversion therapy, Desert Island, F/F, First Dates, but it is there, like it's not particularly graphic, some very innocent smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:40:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28092534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MicheTS/pseuds/MicheTS
Summary: Toni asks Shelby if she'd like to go on a date. Shelby says yes. Well, she doesn't say no.Shoni drabbles starting on the island and moving forward.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 48
Kudos: 717





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I know I've fudged continuity a lil bit as technically this would be happening after the shark pops out at the end and I like, do not mention that what so ever, but stick with me here huh? I wanted to just write a nice, little soft blurbble where Toni and Shelby have a nice lil date that ends with a nice little fumble in the grass. I hope you enjoy!

“A date?” Shelby asked a little incredulously.

Toni rubbed the back of her neck self-consciously, maybe this hadn’t been such a great idea, “Yeah, I mean, sure.”

They had already been over this—the worst had literally happened. Plane crash. Dead passenger. Catastrophic, almost lethal, food poisoning. What would be so terrible about a date?

“I thought it would be…nice,” Toni hated that word, it made her cringe, “to step away from the drama. Maybe talk some more?” She said hopefully.

Shelby smiled shyly, “You’re a little bit of a dark horse, aren’t you?”

Toni shrugged, not entirely sure what Shelby meant.

“You put on this tough and angry exterior,” Shelby stepped forward into Toni’s space, tangling their hands together “but inside you’re as gooey as a melted marshmallow.”

Toni attempted to scoff, scowl even, she was not a... marshmallow. Try as she might she couldn’t keep a small smile from spreading across her face. That seemed to be happening a lot in Shelby’s company lately,

“Is that a yes?” Toni asked quietly. Shelby was close enough now that if she just lent forward a little they would be kissing.

“Well, it’s not a no.” Shelby pressed a gentle kiss to the side of Toni’s mouth before brushing past her. Teasingly not quite fully on her lips.

Toni stood frozen, a little dumbstruck and giddy. When she realised Shelby was no longer stood in front of her, she turned and yelled, “If it’s not a no, is it a yes?”

Shelby chuckled as she looked back over her shoulder, “Pick me up at 7.” She said before disappearing into the trees.

Toni’s brow creased in confusion. Pick her up at 7? Pick her up from where? They all lived around the same shitty fire. Not to mention that no one had a working watch or any concept of time. 

“Urgh!” Toni threw her hands in the air in frustration. Ok. She was resourceful. She could figure this out. Proposing the date had been one thing, preparing it was another and she was going to need some help. Toni set off determinedly to find Dot and Marty.

#

“Did you need something?” Fatin pushed her sunglasses down her nose and looked up at Shelby who was currently pacing in front of her. If she didn’t calm down she was going to wear a trench in the sand.

“Y’know how you said the other day that you were an expert in sexual tension?”

Fatin sat up and crossed her legs, Shelby suddenly had her full attention. The way she was wringing her hands and _still_ pacing suggested that this should be good. The burgeoning romance between Toni and Shelby was as close as any of them had come to honest to god entertainment the entire time they’d been on this dumb fucking island.

“Yeah.”

Shelby paused her pacing, pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. She was loath to talk to Fatin about this, but literally had no one else to approach, “Have you ever,” she waved her arms around, “y’know…” She huffed, jeez this shouldn’t be so hard to say out loud, “with a girl?”

Fatin smirked. It would be so easy to be mean right now, to tease Shelby, but the earnest tone to her voice and the concern etched across her face made Fatin take pity. She patted the sand next to her, inviting Shelby to take a seat.

“Didn’t you the other night?” Fatin asked bluntly as Shelby sank down next to her with a little, embarrassed huff.

“I mean…Yes…But no…I mean…She…” Shelby hung her head and blushed. Nope, this was not something she was going to be good at talking about.

Fatin nodded her head, she understood what this was about. It certainly wasn’t about her carnal experiences with other women. She sat silently, giving Shelby a moment to gather her thoughts.

Shelby leant her chin against her hand and sighed, “Lord, I haven’t even with a boy, let alone a girl.”

“Girls are easier,” Fatin offered in what she hoped was an encouraging tone.

“They are?”

“Sure.” Fatin shrugged, “Sort of.” She nudged Shelby playfully with her elbow, “You know what to do to make yourself feel good, right?”

Shelby blushed and nodded.

“And you know what she did that made you feel good?”

Shelby nodded again. It suddenly dawned on her she’d been making a mountain out of a molehill, “Thanks.” She said, hoping to bring this conversation to an end as quickly as possible, “I have a favour to ask.”

Fatin held her hands up and joked, “If it’s a practice run you’re after, I like you Shelb’ but not that much.”

“Lord no,” Shelby squealed as she playfully slapped Fatin on the arm, “I need to borrow some of your makeup, Toni asked me out on a date.”

“A date?” Fatin shrieked as she scrambled over to her suitcase to retrieve her makeup kit, “Girl, we are gonna make you look stun-ning.”

#

“Did I miss anything?” Leah asked as she sat down in the grass next to Dot. Dot who was currently sat next to Fatin, peering through some brush and intently watching the beginning of Toni and Shelby’s date unfold.

“Where are the others?” Dot whispered.

“Didn’t want to come,” Leah answered as she accepted the handful of berries passed to her, “I believe the words, ‘cracked’ and ‘voyeur’ were levelled our way.”

Fatin shrugged as she tossed a berry up in the air and caught it in her mouth, “They aren’t wrong, but this is the closest to TV we’ve had in like a month.”

Leah stifled a laugh, “So…what did I miss?”

“Toni presented Shelby with the shitty bouquet that Martha helped her gather.” Dot sighed, “It was actually pretty sweet.”

“Sssh,” Fatin hushed her, “It’s hard enough to hear from over here.”

Dot stuck her tongue out but shut up so they could hear what Toni was currently saying.

“You, um, you look really nice Shelby.”

Fatin puffed up with pride, she’d helped Shelby curate that look over the course of the afternoon.

“Thanks. You made us a fire of our own?”

The trio looked on as Shelby surveyed the spread that Toni had laid out. A tiny fire, a couple of blankets, some left over goat. It was the height of island romance.

“Nah,” Toni rubbed the back of her neck, “Dot gets credit for that. She didn’t want us getting cold.”

At that Dot suddenly became animated. She looked from Fatin to Leah with a panicked look on her increasingly reddening face. Dot held her nose and tried her best not to—

_Achoo_

“The fuck was that?” Toni growled as she looked into the treeline and heard what sounded like a rather large animal shuffling through the brush, “You don’t think it’s whatever we’ve heard howling?”

Shelby calmly stepped forward and took Toni’s hand, “Judging by the fact I definitely heard whatever it was sneeze and giggle, I think it may have been our campmates.”

This only made Toni glower further, but she didn’t go charging off into the brush like she maybe would have a week ago. Instead she satisfied herself by yelling, “Perverts!” into the treeline and turned her attention back to Shelby.

#

Their meagre dinner was hardly finished when Shelby lent closer and murmured, “I’ve been thinking about kissing you all day.”

Toni smiled, “You can kiss me if you want, it’s not like you ever asked before.”

Shelby blushed and kissed Toni sweetly. Not like the first time, when she ran away. Nor like the second time when everything was just want and need and a race to push past boundaries she never thought she would ever break. No, this kiss was sweet. And slow. Until it wasn’t.

Toni tangled her hands in Shelby’s newly shorn hair and sighed contently as her lips made their way to her neck. It was only when she registered nervous hands fluttering near the zipper of her shorts that her brain snapped back to reality,

“Shelby...Shelby, wait,” Toni said, pulling back and laying her hands gently over Shelby’s. 

“What?”

“It’s just...I mean...Do you want to do this?”

“We already did it the other night, didn’t we?” Shelby asked, exasperated.

“I know, I know, but...You didn’t...” Toni faltered. She was trying desperately not to sound judge-y or, or—god she didn’t know. Mostly she didn’t want to force Shelby into doing something she didn’t want to or wasn’t ready to, “We don’t have to do this. If you’re not ready. We can go back to camp or just lay here and look at the stars— “

Toni made a quiet _umph_ noise as Shelby’s lips crashed into hers, cutting her off mid-sentence.

“I want to,” Shelby whispered as they broke for air, “I want you.” 

Lord, did she ever. Shelby wasn’t sure if they’d met in the regular world if Toni would have ever been the type of girl she would be attracted to, but that didn’t matter right now. Here, tonight on the island—she wanted her. No complications, no messy feelings or thinking about what it meant to her faith or her future. Just two consenting people, enjoying each other and helping one another forget the mess they were in for a little while.

They started kissing again and Toni understood. This wasn’t her forcing Shelby or pushing her too quickly to reciprocate. It was Shelby offering to try and make her feel good. Just for one night, like she had done for her a few nights before.

Toni leaned back until she felt cool grass against her arms, pulling Shelby down on top of her. As they kissed and Shelby’s thigh found its way between Toni’s legs, she realised that she wanted, no _needed_ , so much more than just kissing. Toni willed her temper to remain at bay if Shelby wanted to call time out at any moment. She could and would remain cool about this.

It was a worry that would prove to be unwarranted. Before long they were tugging at each other’s clothes, laughing, lips meeting bare skin, hands exploring. Then Shelby’s hands were hesitating at the waist and of Toni’s underwear and she was looking up at Toni, all kissed bruised lips and eyes blown out with want,

“May I?” Shelby asked.

Toni couldn’t help herself, she rolled her eyes. Miss Teen Beauty Queen, USA was hesitating at the waistband of her shorts and politely asking if she could take them off. Not that Toni didn’t appreciate the pause for consent, because she did, it just struck her as funny,

“Yes, for fucks sake.” Toni laughed as Shelby pulled her underwear down her legs. Her laugh choked off into a moan as she felt Shelby’s mouth suddenly on her.

Toni’s hands once again found themselves tangled in Shelby’s hair. This girl might be the death of her. No tentative strokes or probing exploration, Shelby had just dived straight in with the enthusiasm of Toni’s oyster eating display. Toni respected the shit out of that. Even if it had caught her slightly off guard.

It was in this moment that Toni thought that it would be incredibly fucked up and yet incredibly funny if Shelby’s teeth were just to tumble out and land right on her pussy. No sooner had the thought entered her head, all thoughts were blasted away. Shelby had found the sweet spot and Toni was herself, tumbling towards bliss.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had time to rewatch The Wilds in my holiday down time and this little idea just kept scratching so I figured I'd get it out my head.

“Are you watching me sleep?” Toni croaked as she blinked awake, sitting up and rubbing the back of her hand over her eye. Shelby was a little way away from her, sitting against the lychee tree and staring. It was probably a bad thing that Toni had started to think of the lychee tree as _their_ lychee tree. The sun was barely sneaking up over the horizon which meant it was early. Too early for Toni.

Shelby blushed, “I mean, I wasn’t not watching you sleep. Mostly I was just thinking.”

“Can I ask what about?”

It may have been early and she may have been a slow starter, usually not interested in talking when she’d just woke up, but Toni was curious. They hadn’t really talked last night. Not after the kissing and the touching started. Especially after the touching started. Toni scrubbed her hands across her face in an attempt to waken up a little and smirked at the lingering smell of Shelby on her fingers.

“You just did, didn’t you?” Shelby smiled, opening her legs and patting the ground between them in invitation.

Toni started moving, her half-awake brain shuffling her across the grass, slipping easily in between Shelby’s legs. Toni leant back against Shelby’s front, sighing contently when Shelby’s arms wrapped around her and squeezed. Toni’s half-awake brain thinking, huh I guess we’re people who cuddle now. Toni’s half-awake brain thinking, I could very easily get used to this.

Shelby placed a gentle kiss to Toni’s temple, “Good mornin’.”

Toni blushed at the shiver Shelby’s Texas drawl sent through her body. She hid her face a little in the crook of Shelby’s arm and kissed the bare skin where she could reach, mumbling her own good morning back.

Shelby took a deep breath and let her lips brush against the shell of Toni’s ear, let the fingers of one hand brush across Toni’s chest and then down, down, down,

“Y’know, I might be up to giving you a repeat performance of that one thing you really liked last night.”

Toni’s breath hitched as Shelby’s nimble fingers began to toy with the waistband of her shorts, she squirmed a little as she leant impossibly further back into Shelby.

“That one thing where I swirled my tongue against you whilst curlin’ my fingers.”

Toni choked out a stuttering chuckle and not for the first time asked, “You say your prayers with that mouth?”

Shelby tensed, her fingers stopped their teasing and Toni realised she had possibly said the wrong thing. Shit. Talking. Right. They should probably do some of that before any more of anything else. She covered Shelby’s hand with her own, letting Shelby know she wasn’t expecting anything. Toni gave it what she hoped was a reassuring squeeze (this feelings shit was not her area of expertise) and asked,

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Shelby sighed and then it all came tumbling out. How when she saw that plane something inside of her…cracked. How it hadn’t made her as happy as it should have. In fact, seeing that plane had frightened her to death. Shelby had no idea how to go back to her previous life. To her parents. Not now that _this_ had opened up inside of her fully. In fact, she was pretty sure she couldn’t go back. Her Daddy had said it himself, there wasn’t a place for her in their family if she continued on this path, how he didn’t want her to be alone. Lord, what was she supposed to do? Now that she’s had time to sit with who she is away from the pressure of her everyday life it was clear that she couldn’t go back in the closet, and yet she hadn’t even stepped out of it.

When Shelby finally paused and took a breath, Toni saw that as her opportunity. She turned in Shelby’s arms and took in the sight before her. Not for the first time since Shelby had first kissed her, Toni understood. Shelby was scared. What she’d seen across the fire in Shelby’s face the night she had told everyone she didn’t agree with Toni’s _lifestyle_ choices? It wasn’t hatred. It was fear. It had taken a moment to click, but after Shelby had ran away after that first kiss? Toni got it. Shelby was afraid. Afraid of herself and who she was. Afraid of what that meant to her faith and family. If there was one thing Toni understood intimately, it was fear. And all the stupid, dumb ass things that being scared made you do.

Toni reached up and wiped a tear gently from Shelby’s cheek, she lent forward and placed her forehead to Shelby’s, “Maybe we can be alone together.” She said, barely above a whisper.

Shelby hiccupped and shook her head, “I haven’t even told you the worst part yet.” She thought of Becca, her chest constricting with guilt and remorse, more tears pouring down her cheeks.

“I once pissed in my hand and threw it at someone _during_ a basketball game, remember?” Toni offered in an attempt to draw a smile from Shelby, “Whatever else you have to tell me can’t be that bad.”

“I told you. I’ve hurt people before. Very badly.”

Toni pulled back and studied the pain and indecision etched across Shelby’s face. The only thing she could think to do to make any of this any better was offer Shelby an out. She didn’t have to spill all her guts here and now. There was time to talk more. All they had was time,

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again Shelb’, I’ll follow your lead. Everyone’s coming out experience is different and it’s not always safe to be out and proud. That doesn’t make you a bad person.”

Shelby nodded and sniffed. She wanted to tell Toni everything, to get it over with so that Toni could just hate her and it would be done with, but the words to tell the story of her and Becca were stuck in her throat. Selfishly, she wanted to hang on to this, whatever it was, just a little bit longer.

“When we get rescued?” Toni gently tilted Shelby’s chin up so she would look her in the eye, “Whatever is happening between me and you is between me and you. It’s no one else’s fucking business.”

Toni leaned in then, sealing her promise with a gentle kiss.

#

Shelby held on to the memory of that morning under the lychee tree. After they were rescued and taken, God knows where, she held on to that memory so tightly. Shelby knew she was not in a good place. She was in a dark place mentally, as Leah would have put it. Asking for the hair clippers was one of the first things she did when they ushered her into the little room that would become yet another place she was imprisoned against her will. If she shaved it all off then no one would be expecting perfect pageant Shelby, right? She could just be Shelby. Plus, it really probably was better to just cut it all off and start again after the mess she’d made with those blunt scissors on the island.

What was it that horrible little doctor man kept saying when he thought she’d checked out for a moment, dissociative episodes? Was that the fancy term for when you were being cleaved in two, stuck between the person people expect you to be and the person you want to be?

That man was all hat, no cattle. Dr Faber was a worm. Ripe to be torn down with a few choice words. He thought he knew everything about her? That he was running the game? Fuck him. She’d show them all. He was an egotistical moron. More than once now he’d said something to Agent Young when he thought she wasn’t listening. Something that suggested that maybe Leah had been right after all.

Sat across the table from them, it was time. It was time to set her snare and see if they’d hop into it like an oblivious little hare.

“I want to see her.”

“Toni. You’re asking to see Toni?” Agent Young asked.

And there it was. The trap snapped shut and she had them tied up where she wanted them.

Her. Shelby had said she wanted to see _her_ and they assumed Toni. Why? Why on earth would they pick Toni out of all the others? They would pick her because they had been spying on them this whole time. Of course, it’s entirely possible that Toni had already been interviewed and spilled, but Shelby didn’t think that was the case. Toni had made a promise and Shelby trusted that Toni wouldn’t break that promise in the face of authority. If anything, Toni would have dug her heels in and offered these men nothing.

Thinking on her feet, Shelby said, no it was Leah she wanted to see. Poor Leah who had suspected something all along and drove herself half mad trying to convince everyone else. Surprisingly, they granted her request.

“It’s good to see you Shelb’.” Leah’s voice cracked slightly as they pulled back from their hug. Leah raised her hand, compelled to scruff the fuzz on Shelby’s head, but stopped short.

“Train wrecks unite, right?” Shelby gave a small shrug and leant her head slightly to meet Leah’s hand.

Leah huffed out a small laugh and ran her hand across Shelby’s head, “It suits you.” She tried her best not to move too much or too suddenly, for fear that she dislodged whatever it was that Shelby had slipped into the back of her shirt. Whatever it was, was tickling her shoulder blades and making it hard to resist the urge to shake it loose.

“I think that’s enough. Time to go Shelby.” Dr Faber interrupted.

“She just got here.” Leah protested as she glared over Shelby’s shoulder.

Dr Faber met her glare with one of his own, at least Agent Young had the decency to look uncomfortably away.

“No, it’s fine.” Shelby said, giving Leah’s arm a reassuring squeeze, “I asked them to let me see you and they have.”

Shelby hobbled to the door on her crutches. Before she exited Leah’s room, she turned and gave Leah a pointed look and just hoped, hoped that God was still listening to her and that he would somehow give Leah the strength to know what to do next, what to do once she knew she had been right all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the great feedback and kudos on the first chapter of this. Again, I appreciate this is brief, as I said it was just scratching away at the back of my brain and it felt like the one-shot had a little juice left in it.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww heck, I tripped and fell into a third part to this.
> 
> This show and these two characters really are living rent free in my head these days.
> 
> Another little time jump. What might happen when the gang finally get free of the Dawn of Eve and make it back into the real world.
> 
> CW: Mention of conversion therapy

Toni shuffled anxiously from foot to foot, her hand paused somewhere between her jeans pocket and the door she’d just knocked on. Had she knocked hard enough? Should she knock again? Should she walk away like she knows is probably best for everyone involved? Her phone vibrated in her pocket – blowing up as it had been all day. The group chat was overly excited (in her opinion) that they were all going to be in the same place again for the first time in months, everyone providing ETA’s and trying to make plans for grabbing food before the bullshit ‘Where Are They Now?’ media tour kicked into high gear.

Toni knocked again.

“Hold your horses, I’m comin’.” A voice came from somewhere on the other side of the door.

Toni wiped her sweaty palms on the side of her jeans. Shit. She really hated how her stomach still instantly flipped at the sound of that Southern drawl. Especially after…everything. After the island, after that fucking creepy facility where they stashed them and questioned them relentlessly, after…after it had all gone to hell.

_“What do you want?”_

Toni closed her eyes and sighed as snippets of the last irl conversation she had with Shelby rattled round her head.

_“I want you to fight Shelby. For me. For us.”_

_“I keep forgettin’ how easy all this is for you.”_

_“You think this is easy for me?”_

_“Sure it is Toni, you don’t have-”_

_“I don’t have what?”_

_“You don’t have anyone-”_

_“Damn right I don’t.”_

Toni hadn’t even let Shelby finish her sentence. It was best to just pull the band aid off if there was no chance that Shelby wanted this, wanted her, right? Toni had turned away, hot headed as ever, and retreated to the safety of the car that was waiting to take her to the airport. To take her back to Minnesota. Back to where she had nothing and no one waiting. She’d turned away from the window as the car passed a still stunned looking Shelby so that Shelby wouldn’t see the tears that were streaming down her face.

Then Shelby all but disappeared. First it was weeks, Shelby wasn’t present at any of the TV interviews or podcasts they were invited on. Fatin making jokes that her family clearly found it ungodly to let Shelby discuss her experience on the island. Toni sat silently brooding, knowing exactly what they considered ungodly and who they were keeping Shelby from seeing. Then it was months and no one could get in touch with Shelby at all. Dot had gone so far as to march up to the Goodkind’s door and insist she was allowed to speak to Shelby, but she’d been turned away with a curt, “Shelby is out of town.”

Conspiracy theories spread through the group chat like wild fire. Toni downplayed her worry, refusing to be drawn into any discussion with the others about what might have happened. It was over, she’d seen to that, what did she care about Shelby’s whereabouts? Yeah, right. Against her better judgement, Toni thought about Shelby every fucking day. She thought about Shelby as she caught up with all the bullshit school work she’d missed, she thought about Shelby on the basketball court, hell she even thought about Shelby when she brushed her teeth. She especially thought of Shelby when she brushed her teeth. Toni thought about all the things she could have said and didn’t say. Dot and Leah had all but planned an all-out search and rescue mission when as suddenly as she’d disappeared, Shelby reappeared in the group chat with a cautious and apologetic ‘Hey y’all’.

They circled one another in the chat. Exchanged pleasantries. Shared a civility that only people bonded through a traumatic experience could. Toni agonised over reaching out via DM when Shelby explained to the group her parents had sent her away to a school where she could be closer to God. Toni Googled the place, it was a fucking conversion therapy camp. Her heart had ached at the thought of Shelby being in such a place, her blood boiled at the further suffering the Goodkind’s subjected their daughter to. The island retreat debacle hadn’t been enough for them? 

Toni spent wasted hours, usually late at night, staring at her phone and typing DMs. They ranged from simple ‘Hey, how are you’ messages to sprawling opuses confessing her love (she’d made the mistake of running one past Leah and Rachel once and that’s what Leah had called it, a sprawling opus). Toni hated those ones the most. Toni deleted them all. Toni didn’t reach out. What if that horrible place had actually worked? What if they’d “fixed” Shelby? There was nothing to gain by starting whatever had happened between them up again. There was nothing to gain by being rejected.

When it turned out that Shelby and Toni were going to be the first to arrive in L.A. for this second round of media interest in their story (thank you Leah for writing a fucking book instead of letting this all slide off into obscurity. Also, who writes a book this quickly?!), it became clear they were actually going to have to speak to one another. Face to face. Alone. Toni supposed they could just wait for everyone to get there before meeting up, but it seemed ridiculous and downright childish to sit in separate hotel rooms in the same hotel for 8 hrs just because they may have to have an uncomfortable conversation. Toni at least owed Shelby an apology for how she had left things. Toni at least wanted to find out what the hell had changed and meant Shelby's parents were now happy to allow her to travel halfway across the country on her own.

So, that was how Toni had come to be stood fidgeting outside the door to Shelby’s hotel room. Best to get their awkward reunion out the way quick. Rip that band aid off. Again. Maybe this was a different band aid. Toni was getting lost in band aid metaphors.

“Hi.”

Toni blinked and realised that she was now stood looking directly into Shelby’s blue eyes and no longer at a closed door. She fought the smile that wanted to spread across her face. Instead she allowed herself to relax a little, to feel relief that Shelby still looked…like Shelby. Her hair had grown back, she was keeping it chin length, much like she had after cutting it herself on the island. Although this time it was professionally styled and looked less like a toddler had cut it for her. Shelby looked healthy. Shelby looked happy? Shelby looked…Toni averted her eyes. She was staring. She knew she had been caught staring.

“Do you wanna come in?” Shelby offered as she opened the door further and stepped back a little, a shy smile forming at the corners of her mouth.

Toni scratched the back of her neck self-consciously, “Sure.”

Stepping into Shelby’s room, Toni suddenly had no idea why she had agreed to this here. The hotel had a perfectly nice coffee shop they could be meeting in. Hearing the door click quietly shut behind her, Toni felt trapped in the small space between the door and the rest of the suite.

“Can I get you something to drink?” Shelby asked fidgeting by the mini bar.

Toni scoffed, “Still Miss Manners I see.”

“And you’re as rude as ever.” Shelby bristled.

They stared at each other silently. Toni knew this was going south already, but looking at Shelby mixed her up so bad.

“Oh heck,” Shelby muttered, “Toni I don’t want to bicker, I missed you.”

“I thought that place they sent you was meant to cure you of those urges.” Toni bit. She clamped her mouth shut tight and cursed herself for saying something so ridiculously hurtful. Conversion therapy was no joke and it certainly wasn’t something to throw back in someone’s face when you were feeling butt hurt about things that had happened out with their control. Things you hadn’t exactly done your utmost to help prevent with your stupid inability to use your words.

Shelby shook her head ruefully and watched as instant regret spread across Toni’s face. No, this wouldn’t do. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. She was supposed to tell Toni she missed her and Toni was supposed to say it back. Nothing was ever easy between them, except of course when it was. Shelby squared her small frame and stepped firmly into Toni’s personal space, narrowing her eyes.

Toni’s heart hammered in her chest, Shelby’s expression was a little unreadable or maybe Toni just couldn’t read it because she was starting to panic about how close Shelby now was and the effect that had on her. If Shelby had wanted to haul off and slap her it would have been deserved. Hell, Toni had raised her fists for less. She watched intently as Shelby’s eyes flicked down towards her lips. Shit. Toni felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up as a familiar electricity coursed between them.

“I dare you to say that again.”

“Shelby, no, I-” Toni found herself stuttering over her attempted apology. She had worked on this type of behaviour in therapy. She was trying so hard to move beyond this, lashing out to hurt others before they could hurt her. Wasn’t she more grown up now, hadn’t she learned to say what she actually felt and not just the thing she knew would push someone away?

Shelby leaned forward and fixed Toni with a look that Toni knew all too well. She had seen it the first time they kissed. She’d seen it under the lychee tree. She’d seen it many times on the island after that. Toni knew what it meant. It made her head spin, it made her want to take a step back, to find some air that wasn’t all…Shelby. Just so she could think for a minute. Just a minute.

Shelby raised her hands, fisting them into the front of Toni’s basketball jersey. She held a tight grip, stopping Toni from retreating any further, “Say it again.”

The ball was now firmly in Toni’s court. She could either say what she’d said again and see where that took them or she could slow this down, actually apologise and talk. Something about the way Shelby was still looking at her made her brain short circuit. Talking had never been something they were great at,

“I-I thought that place they sent you was supposed to cure you of those urges.”

Loosening her grip, Shelby smoothed her hands down Toni’s chest. Toni’s head spun even more, if that was even possible. She swallowed thickly and tried again to shift her brain from, ‘I’m so gay’ to ‘we should really stop and talk about this’ but that was super hard when Shelby’s hands had now moved from the front of her jersey and were now circled round her waist, lingering at the small of her back.

“Oh shit,” Toni muttered as Shelby closed the small gap left between them, she bypassed Toni’s lips at the last second and tilted her head up so that she could breath into Toni’s ear,

“Their teachin’ didn’t take.” Shelby bit down gently on the shell of Toni’s ear and smirked when she felt Toni dip, her knees clearly failing her.

Toni placed her hands firmly on Shelby’s shoulders, one to steady herself and two so she could muster all the willpower she had left and hold Shelby at arm’s length. Toni searched Shelby’s face for some sign, something that said what they were doing this all backwards, but all she saw were Shelby’s open, blue eyes looking at her like this was the only thing in the world that made sense.

“Shelby,” Toni tried anyways. It was a feeble attempt, but an attempt none the less. She was so weak.

“I know,” Shelby smiled, she gently took Toni’s hands from her shoulders and placed them on her hips instead, “we need to talk and we will.” She draped her own arms round Toni’s shoulders and closed the space between them again, “I’ve had nothing but time to think Toni and all I did was think about you.”

Toni just stared, a little dumbfounded. She sighed, before resting her forehead against Shelby’s. This was hopeless, she was hopeless.

“I’ve got real good at sayin’ what I want recently,” Shelby continued quietly, afraid if she spoke any louder Toni would spook and bolt, “and I want you.”

Toni took a shuddering breath and whispered, “What does that mean though?” 

“It means I’m gonna fight.”

The last of Toni’s willpower melted away with those five words and she surged forward to capture Shelby’s lips. At first it was soft, gentle, their kisses coming short and quick as they couldn’t stop grinning. That was until Shelby let out a little huff of frustration and began steadily taking charge with her lips, teeth and tongue, as she was want to do. A soft moan fell from Toni’s mouth as they fell back into a rhythm she thought they had thought lost forever.

Shelby came up for air, barely stepping back so she could meet Toni’s eyes, her voice thick as she ordered, “Take me to bed.”

Toni couldn’t help the dirty smirk that tugged at the corner of her mouth, her cocky swagger returning as she backed Shelby towards the huge bed in the middle of the room, “This is new, we’ve never actually fucked in a bed before.”

“And we’re not going to fuck in one now.” Shelby stated, a look of slight horror crossing her face at the vulgarity of Toni’s statement.

“Wait,” Toni stopped just short of their destination, “huh?”

“Toni Shalifoe, the least you can do is make love to me in this luxurious king size bed.” Shelby let out a light-hearted laugh as she watched a range of emotions flash across Toni’s face, from out right confusion to complete understanding.

Toni blushed, “Did you just-?”

“I did.” Shelby grabbed the front of Toni’s jersey again and dragged her the rest of the way to the bed.

“I mean, I do too, I-” Toni fell over her words for the millionth time, her brain getting stuck somewhere between goofily thinking ‘oh my god Shelby Goodkind actually loves me’ and ‘say it back you giant dickweed’.

Shelby fell backwards onto the bed, pulling Toni down on top of her, “I know, we’re going to talk later, remember?”

Toni grinned from ear to ear and decided Shelby was on to something, fu…make love now – talk later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello, hey. Comments appreciated, especially if you've already left kudos here ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shelby and Toni finally talk. Catharsis ahoy!

Shelby woke first, a little disorientated and perplexed, knowing she wasn’t at home but unsure where she was exactly. As she slowly came to and felt the dead weight currently resting on her chest, flashes of the afternoon came back to her. Toni’s smile, Toni’s eyes, Toni’s…hands. A broad, sleepy smile spread across her face. Yep. She was in a king size bed. In a swanky hotel room in L.A. With Toni.

The incessant buzzing of her phone on the night stand gave her a clue to what had woken her and she reached awkwardly to grab it without disturbing her girlfriend. Shelby smiled again, that was definitely going to be part of the conversation they had when Toni woke up from her nap. Shelby wanted to be able to tell people Toni was her girlfriend. Well, if Toni wanted to be.

Shelby couldn’t help the bemused snort that escaped her when she read the most recent stream of text in the group chat:

_Fatin: We haven’t heard from either of them in hours. They fucking_

_Leah: Or fighting_

_Fatin: Oh, ye of little faith_

_Leah: When did you become the resident romantic of the Unsinkables?_

_Fatin: I didn’t say anything about romance. Shoni are just mad horny for each other. Always have been_

_Dot: *puke face emoji* Maybe they’re just, y’know, talking_

_Rachel: Those two wouldn’t know a healthy conversation if it ran them over *car emoji*_

Shelby tapped out her response one handed as Toni stirred, ‘You know we can see this, right?’ she replied, adding in a *winky face emjoi* so they knew she wasn’t all that mad at their topic of conversation.

_Fatin: Shelby lives!_

Toni let out a sleepy huff and grumbled, “Why’m awake?”

“Group chat wants to know if we’re fightin’ or…”

“Making love?” Toni teased around a yawn. Still as slow to wake up as ever, she made no attempt to leave the comfort of the spot she’d taken up on top of Shelby.

“Yeah, that,” Shelby bent her head to kiss the top of Toni’s, “I would say good mornin’ darlin’, but it’s really early evenin’.”

Toni grinned as she buried her face against Shelby’s neck and kissed the bare skin she found there. So, she hadn’t had an extremely vivid, cruel dream. This had actually happened. Here she actually was, waking up in Shelby’s arms as if the past agonising months hadn’t happened at all,

“What did you tell them?” Toni mumbled as she fought the urge to just go back to sleep. Sleep would be hella good. Shelby had exhausted her. What was that thing Shelby used to say on the island? She’d been rode hard and put up wet? Toni still had no clue what the fuck that actually meant, but she was pretty sure it was how she was feeling right now.

“Nothin’ yet.” Shelby put her phone down so she could gently tilt Toni’s chin up and look her in the eye, “but if it’s cool with you, I could tell them that me and my girlfriend will join them for dinner later.”

Toni hoped she didn’t look as goofy as she felt, she knew for sure she was blushing, “You can tell them that, but you might want to clarify that your girlfriend is me. You know they love nothing more than jumping to conclusions.” Toni rolled her eyes, “Usually the wrong ones.”

“I figured it was a given,” Shelby pecked Toni on the lips, “that it would be you who I would be referrin’ to as my girlfriend.”

Toni had to stop the pleased squeal that was threatening at the back of her throat. Holy fuck did she like the sound of Shelby saying she was her girlfriend. She liked it so damn much, but she didn’t giggle and she certainly didn’t squeal, “Maybe,” she cleared her throat, “I just want you to yell from the rooftops, ‘Toni Shalifoe is my girlfriend!’”

“That could be arranged,” Shelby grinned from ear to ear as she picked her phone up again, “but let me just let the gang know we didn’t kill each other right quick.”

Toni laughed and flopped down on to her back, “What time is it?”

“Five.” Shelby answered as she typed.

“Rachel’s flight is last in, right?” Toni asked as she leant up on her elbow and turned to face her girlfriend. Nope, she wasn’t getting tired of that anytime soon. Shelby Goodkind was her girlfriend. Girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend.

“She should be at the hotel by eight.”

Shelby snorted again.

“What?”

“Leah owes everyone two dollars because she said we’d go nuclear and you’d likely end up getting arrested for trashing a hotel room.”

Toni scoffed, “Idiot.”

“Smartest idiot I know.” Shelby laughed, “It’s a good thing we set a limit on those “friendly” bets or Leah would be in debt to everyone at this point.”

“So…” Toni started, she stared at the bed sheets, suddenly a little self-conscious, “If Rachel doesn’t get in for another few hours, we have time to talk?”

Shelby turned to toss her phone back on the side table before returning and mirroring Toni’s current position, “Of course.” She had promised after all. 

“Are you ok?” Toni asked quietly, sincerely.

Lord, of all the questions Toni could have started with, Shelby wasn’t really expecting that one. Not asked like that. Shelby hadn’t forgotten that Toni had the capability to be soft, to be vulnerable, but she had forgotten the effect it had on her. She’d thrown up so many walls to protect what was left of herself the last few months she hadn’t expected Toni to crash right through them with three words and a question mark. Shelby should have known better.

Shelby lent forward and ghosted her lips against Toni’s, “Better for being here with you.”

“Come on Shelby,” Toni pulled back just a little, a concerned crease forming on her brow, “I-I looked that place up, it sounded fucked up what people were saying about it, it’s so fucked up your parents even sent you there after-”

Shelby reached out and settled her hand on Toni’s hip, as much to anchor herself in the present and stop deflecting as it was to soothe Toni and stop the spiral she could see Toni stumbling into,

“I know.” Shelby said seriously, “It was extremely fucked up, but try as they might, they just couldn’t quite manage to pray, pray, pray the gay away with this gal. If nothing else that awful place made me more resolute in knowing who I am. Who I love.”

Toni bit the inside of her cheek and tried desperately to contain the angry tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. She wasn’t sure if she started crying she could actually stop and none of this was about her and her stupid feelings right now.

“I am ok, but I’m not ok, I mean I know I’m not ok,” Shelby rambled, “Lord knows, I haven’t been ok for a long time. Before my parents sent me away the first time I wasn’t ok. I have a lot to work through, but I’m getting there. I’m _going_ to be ok.”

Toni sniffed, “I’m so sorry Shelby.”

“Why on earth are you apologisin’?”

“Because I was the one who blew things up. I was the one who walked away. I wasn’t there when you-”

“Nuh-uh, no way ma’am,” Shelby shook her head stubbornly, wagging a finger in Toni’s face, “don’t you dare. I’m the one who should be sorry. If I hadn’t been so eager to just switch off and slip back into my old life, Lord knows why I thought I could, we wouldn’t-”

Toni couldn’t help herself, a small rueful laugh fell from her lips.

“What’s so damn funny?” Shelby was genuinely confused. Nothing about this was amusing her.

“I guess we’re both sorry huh?” Toni reached out and tangled her fingers with Shelby’s. She’d missed Shelby’s hand on her hip the moment she had removed it.

Shelby smiled, getting the point Toni was trying to make, “I guess so.” Her smile fell as she became a little sombre again, “Toni, I’m not ready to talk about everythin’ that happened out loud. Not yet. There’s still a lot I have to process myself before I can even try and explain it to someone else.”

“I understand,” Toni gave Shelby’s hand a reassuring squeeze, “I’m here when you’re ready. I can handle it, I promise. You don’t have to worry about me flipping out and driving to that fucking place and torching it.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“Any idiot can see how hard you’ve been working on your…stuff.”

Toni scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Sure did a great job of showing you earlier when I showed up and said quite possibly the worst thing anyone could say in that moment.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t put yourself down.” Shelby pulled their entwined hands towards her lips and gently kissed each of Toni’s knuckles, “I know I’m a huge trigger for you Toni, the risk you took even just comin’ here today to talk. I know I press your buttons.”

Toni smirked as Shelby’s lips continued to tickle the back of her hand, “Sometimes you press the right ones though.”

“Are you flirting with me during a serious conversation?” Shelby huffed a small laugh, relieved for a little levity.

“Maybe,” Toni shrugged as she rolled on to her back, pulling Shelby with her.

Shelby threw her arm across Toni’s waist and placed a small kiss to her collar bone as she settled in Toni’s arms.

“I love your hair,” Toni commented offhand as she carded her fingers gently through Shelby’s hair.

“I love your abs,” Shelby muttered without thinking.

Shelby blushed as Toni barked a laugh above her. At least Toni knew she really was back to peak physical condition after almost starving to death on that damn island.

“I have another question,” Toni kissed the crown of Shelby’s head, “How are you here? I don’t get what made them change their mind about letting you do media?”

Shelby took a deep breath through her nose, “Mama and Daddy are getting a divorce.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Toni continued to run her fingers gently through Shelby’s hair, giving her a moment to continue.

“I mean, I’m not goin’ to pretend I even have a clue what’s goin’ on between them, but I think sending me to that place was the last straw for Mama.”

“Your Mom is…” Toni trailed off, unsure of the question she even wanted to ask.

Shelby shrugged, “She’s tryin’. I think she appreciates how much I’ve helped with Spencer and Melody and I appreciate…that she’s tryin’. We don’t understand each other all that well all the time, but she gives me more freedom that Daddy ever would. Which is why I’m here. He doesn’t get a say in my life anymore.”

Toni let a silence fall between them again and concentrated on the feeling of Shelby’s fingers tracing gentle patterns on her bare stomach. Mom’s were not her favourite subject and she’d be fucked if she was going to give any further brain space to Shelby’s Dad anytime soon.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Shelby started cautiously, “but Rachel mentioned your Mom had been in touch?”

Toni sighed.

“We weren’t gossipin’. I promise. I was just worried about you and we weren’t exactly talkin’.”

Ok. Toni could do this. She could talk to Shelby about this.

“Yeah, she came sniffing back around not long after I got home to Minnesota,” Toni shifted under Shelby a little uncomfortably, “when it became clear I wasn’t going to be the cash cow she anticipated, she bailed again and now I’m…back in the system. At least until I’m accepted to college. _If_ I’m accepted to college.”

Shelby sat up a little, turning on her stomach so she could look Toni in the eye, “Do you know where you want to go?” She was going to ask how seeing her Mom again had made Toni feel, but something about the guarded look in Toni’s eye made Shelby think a slight change of topic would be better. For now, at least.

“I don’t know,” Toni shrugged, “Connecticut maybe. UConn have sent scouts to a few games.”

Shelby thought for a moment, chewed her lip a little as she considered the consequences of saying what she wanted to say, oh shoot what was the point in holding back, “I’ll need to check out the courses at UConn,” Shelby looked away as her confidence faltered a little, “I mean, if you want me to. I don’t want to presume that you’d want to even go to the same school, I mean we don’t have to have all these conversations at once.”

“I’d like that,” Toni said as she affectionately drew Shelby’s gaze back to hers, “but it all depends on if I’m good enough anyway. If I don’t fuck this up like I fuck everything up. I mean, Shelby, I can’t fuck this up. I don’t want to become another statistic.”

Shelby felt her chest tighten as she saw the panic flit across Toni’s eyes.

“Do you know what happens to kids like me in foster care when they turn 18?” Toni’s voice cracked.

Shelby shook her head no.

“They end up homeless.”

“I won’t let that happen,” Shelby reached forward and kissed the tear that had slipped down Toni’s cheek, “We’re on the same team now. We’ll come up with a game plan.”

Toni pulled away a little and sniffed, “Are you using sports metaphors so that I can take all this in?”

“Maybe,” Shelby replied with a watery laugh, “Whatever is next, I promise you we will figure it out together.”

“Together huh?” Toni leant her forehead against Shelby’s and sighed, “I like the sound of that.”

Shelby sat back and fixed Toni with that look.

Toni gulped at the sudden change of pace.

“If you like that sound of that, you’ll like the sound of this better I’d bet,” Shelby looked up through her eyelashes, “do you want to go shower? _Together_?”

Toni laughed, “Are you flirting with me during a serious conversation?” She asked, throwing Shelby’s question from earlier back at her.

“Pretty sure I’m done with all this serious talkin’,” Shelby grinned, “for now.”

You really didn’t need to tell Toni twice. She leapt out the bed and sped towards the adjoining bathroom door, she came to a sudden halt and looked back at Shelby incredulously, “Well come on now slow poke,” she drawled in an exaggerated approximation of a Texas accent.

“I see your twang still needs a little work.” Shelby rolled her eyes and laughed as she swung her legs out of bed.

“Oh, my twang definitely needs a little work.” Toni replied lewdly as her eyes roamed over Shelby.

Shelby shook her head, “If that was inuendo, it didn’t even make sense.”

“Neither does getting dirty while trying to get clean, but you’ve talked me into it anyways.” Toni winked and disappeared into the bathroom.

Yep, Shelby thought as she padded to the bathroom, she was definitely going to be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knew when I left off the end of the last drabble this had a little millage left in it. Appreciate the comments, kudos and encouragement to push it out. I think there's def at least one more to come.


End file.
